Humor

This falls into the, "You just can't make this stuff up!" category.

Seriously, has the US education system gotten soooooo! bad that people actually believe that Canada was a US state at one point and then left to branch out on their own?

Published in 1958, and immediately banned as "obscene," Terry Southern's Candy was a satire of mid 20th century pornography.

The title's namesake considers sex as "a beautiful and thrilling privilege" to be shared with everyone.

"The scientific world is electrified today by one of the most significant discoveries of our times: the great majority of female short-nosed fruit bats love to give head. Possibly even more significantly, the nimble lust-crazed chiropterines are able to perform fellatio on a male bat who is taking them from behind at the time.

"These scientists had set up pairs of Cynopterus sphinx shortnosed fruitbats in romanta-love-tryst situations and then positioned infrared cameras to record the saucy antics which ensued.

[Warning: The below Good Read is not written "Family Friendly," but if you have the maturity this is funny as hell. --MJ]

ABC Television, formerly known as the American Broadcasting Company, has undergone rebranding and will henceforth be called the Administration for Brain Control.

This comes as a result of the network's news department, having openly and explicitly jettisoned all pretense of objectivity and neutrality, decided to throw in with the Obama administration and voluntarily act as the Joseph Goebbels Memorial Ministry of Propaganda.

We're still waiting.

We're still waiting for the real economic stimulus bill from congress that will allow America to recover from the mess that our meddling megalomaniac government officiouscrats got us into.

Where is the legislation that tells politicians and bureaucrats to get the hell out of the way so that workers can work and creators can create and inventors can invent and entrepreneurs can entrep?

I just knew I could be a ferocious killer if given the chance; after all, I was a kid sister- a more devious and dangerous creature has yet to walk the earth! I would never pop up over the walls of the fort and get shot by the enemy like that little kindergarten boy always did-what a dipstick...I would flank their base and attack with stealth and terror!

Or I would have, had they let me. But I was a girl, and girls either played nurse or they had to STFU and make mud pies. They never actually told us that but it was implied, oh yes, it was implied.

"Messieurs and Mesdames,

"Rather than my usual practice of remitting taxes to you on this, your high holy day of April 15, I am this year writing to request a return of all monies previously remitted, for non-performance of services promised.

"Contrary to the promise of a “Peace Dividend” following the collapse of the Soviet Empire, you have alternatively pursued a series of reckless adventures and preemptive “actions” globally that have reduced the security of residents of the United States.

In Indiana, commuters were unexpectedly warned "RAPTORS AHEAD -- CAUTION."

And Austin, Texas, got its own sample of sign hacking with "NAZI ZOMBIES! RUN!!!"

The holiday season is full of fun, family, festivities and, sadly, political correctness. Not only do we question which wine is correct for the occasion but we continue our angst over who we are and where we belong in the grand political-social-cultural scheme of things With all this in mind, the following wine reviews are presented as a public service for those needing guidance through the vineyards of life.
(Caution: all wines on this list should be tasted with a palate thoroughly cleansed and a tongue firmly thrust into cheek.)

The holiday season is full of fun, family, festivities and, sadly, political correctness. So even as we observe the traditions of Thanksgiving and Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and Festivus and Winter Solstice and New Year's Eve and Chinese New Year and others too numerous or little known to number we continue to be creatures of political correctness. Not only do we question which wine is correct for the occasion (does a wine from Brest go best with a turkey breast? What do you decant for a Santa's Day soirée? What is a quality quaff for Kwanzaa?) but we continue our angst over who we are and where we belong in the grand political-social-cultural scheme of things...

Admit it. You know you've done it. You're loafing in your Laz-Z-Butt lounger in your living room, or compressed between passengers in the middle seat on the Crack O' Dawn flight to East Piddlyborough, or sneaking an on-the-job mini-vacation in the stinky-stall of your workplace pottyroom, when your eyes land on a line of type in the local Balderdash Bulletin you've been drowsily browsing through. Some subnormal moron did something stunningly stupid today, or said something incredibly enlightened, or offered an ignorant opinion and it was all prominently preserved in newsprint.

They came, one by one, emerging from unseen offices and workspaces, making their way quietly along the back streets and alleyways of the American enclave known variously as Oz or Wonderland or Washington DC. They were the gray, boring, unimposing men and women who inhabit the capital city of the most powerful empire on earth, barely noticed and effectively forgotten. They were known only by their titles: PenPusher, PaperShuffler, Agencycrat and LowLevel CivilServant. But they were also the friction-reducing life-prolonging anti-wear multi-viscosity grease that makes the millstone of government grind. They were, in short, the most powerful people on the planet.

But is there really much difference between soap operas and politicking? Consider: DAYS OF OUR LIES - Interior - Congressional Office – Day - Corn Lobbyist Wheeler Deeler confronts Senator Flip Phlopper in his Washington DC office. Lobbyist: (emotional) I've given you everything. I embraced your body politic with my assets. I caressed your palm with hush money. I've gotten you high in our corporate jet. Now I catch you with that scrawny little two-faced soybean lobbyist slut! Senator: (defensive) Wheeler, listen, it didn't mean a thing. I just went to her smoke-filled room for a little cronyism, that's all. Lobbyist: You were whispering sweet No-Nothings in her earmarks, weren't you? Admit it! Senator: No, no, we didn't become strange bedfellows.

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic, who lay awake all night wondering if there was a DOG? Seriously, let us get a sense of reality back into what we talk about. Why do we regard a dollar as something of value? Why let central banks, who officially hold that their paper notes are legal tender, work to devalue the thing that will be our true money? Why do we continue acquiescing in government, let alone actually consenting to it?