The Conservative's Socially Suitable Syllabus

Garry Reed's picture

Having recently released a piece called The Collectivist's Culturally Correct Curriculum, and noting the utter absence of public outcry for a similar scenario for the putative "other side," it was a natural reaction to produce The Conservative's Socially Suitable Syllabus.

Our President was the inspiration for this presentation. Pundits with a keener eye than I have noted the following Bushism: His Presidentness wants creationism taught in schools because he believes in Intelligent Design over Evolution, yet he wants the power to deploy the military if the bird flu virus evolves to the point of infecting humans. People are intelligently designed, it seems, but viruses evolve. Inconsistencies and anomalies make it just as hard to hold onto a wiggly ism like Conservatism as it does to make sense of today's Modern Liberalism.

At any rate, if you want to be a contemporary conservative you need to study The Conservative's Socially Suitable Syllabus.

Constitutional Conservatism -- Introduction to the Strict Constructionist theory of the US Constitution. This general survey course will familiarize students with the concept of interpreting Rights such that they always conform to contemporary compassionate conservative Christianity. As examples, Welfareism is not constitutional but federal support of faith-based institutions is; Democrat-led undeclared police actions are not constitutional but preemptive war is; prayer in public schools is not constitutional but we'll damn sure find a way to make it so. Prerequisite: Maligning Libertarians for Not Being Conservatives.

Understanding Conservative Politics -- An overview of modern traditionalist political principles, also known as Pragmatism, Hypocritism, or GettingElectedism. Case study compares campaigning to voting, i.e., ranting against big government, wasteful spending and business as usual when out of power, but giving jobs to cronies, grabbing maximum pork, and trying to out-spend Democrats once elected. Students will be graded on their ability to write logical-sounding justifications for contradictions. Required reading: Spin-Doctoring for Christian Evangelicals.

Introduction to Rightwing Rhetoric -- Investigates the usage and deployment of copyrighted conservative shibboleths in the modern American milieu. Examples include "You're a Great American" (used only for war mongers and liberal-baiters), "True Patriot" (term reserved for mindless Republican presidential worship) and "Family Values" (applied exclusively to a married white protestant man and woman with 2.3 children living in the suburbs and driving an SUV.) Classroom discussion topic: "How Conservative Republican Congressmen can cheat on their wives and still preach the Family Values line."

Foreign vs. Domestic Policy Analysis -- a dynamic group discussion will focus on why pulling the plug on one comatose vegetative Christian woman is murder but mowing down thousands of Iraqi bhurka babes is just good foreign policy. Prerequisites: see two entries above.

Sex Education -- Understanding why sex doesn't exist outside of marriage, but if it did it would be immoral, unnatural and disgusting, and can be controlled entirely through such techniques as playing high school football, condemning classes on sex education, and practicing total abstinence. Classroom discussions on sex education will center on how not to have sex education discussions in classrooms.

Evaluating Evolution and Creationism -- A fair and objective comparison of ultra leftwing hyperbolic Godless Darwinian pseudo-science with the spiritually guided Truth of Intelligent Design. This fun course will focus on the pop culture automotive battle between the True Believer's righteous bumper sticker "The Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it" and the childish Evolutionist's chrome heretical fish-with-feet trunk lid cartoon. Prerequisite: Maligning Libertarians Because Not All of Them Are Christians.

Traditional Feminism -- Defending the woman's place in the modern American family. Emphasis on a woman's inalienable, God-given right to have Tupperware parties, quilting bees, and bake sales. How enlightened conservative thinking identifies a wife as an equal marital partner entitled to support her husband in whatever decisions he makes. Includes lecture on the conservative position on Freedom of Choice -- While good fundamentalist Christian women most emphatically do not have the right to choose to end their own pregnancy, they do have the right to choose the color of the wallpaper in the nursery.

Modern American Journalism --Advanced media bashing. How to spot newspaper articles that do not agree with conservative positions and are therefore biased by definition. Understanding how TV shows that tilt toward liberalism are prejudiced, bigoted, intolerant and discriminatory while programs or cable channels that are blatantly archconservative are Fair and Balanced. Learning how to whine when conservative statesmen are referred to as "Far Rightwing" while liberal political hacks are always identified as "mainstream." Special credit: How to keep those embarrassing libertarian skeletons in the closet hidden. Prerequisite: Coping With the Conservative Inferiority Complex.

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