NewYorkNewYork, NY – The New York Times created a firestorm when it outed the Bush administration for secretly spying on Americans' financial transactions under the now infamous headline splashed across Fairly Unbalanced FoxNews, CNN Commie News Narrators and moribund over-the-air alphabet news network program TV screens: "Bank Data Is Sifted by U.S. in Secret to Block Terror."

Instead of unnecessarily fretting over boring old-fashioned individual court-approved warrants or subpoenas, Bush Adminiscrats prefer to use "broad administrative subpoenas" to score millions of "confidential" records – ATM transactions, credit card purchases, Western Union wire payments – quickly and easily.

While an unnamed "senior counterterrorism official" acknowledged, "the potential for abuse is enormous" a Treasury Department undersecretarycrat declared that spying on Americans is "... without doubt, a legal and proper use of our authorities."

Apparently, Treasury undersecretarycrats get to define their own rights.

Al Jazz Era, Arabworld – In its typical and apparently unavoidable habit of responding to breaking news stories three months later, al qaeda publicly thanked the Times for telling them that the USSA was tracking their finances. The Spokesterrorist, speaking from a smuggled 8-Track tape, said, "Since we're not drooling idiots we've known about this all along. As usual, the only people who have been totally clueless about financial spying are the American public who are shocked, shocked that their own government would spy on them."

Galt's Gulch, USSA – Libertarians nationwide are facing the fact that multitudes of Americans are eager to fork over their personal freedoms to a bevy of bureauboobs in exchange for the delusion of safety, thereby guaranteeing themselves neither freedom nor safety. The evidence is everywhere.

Vienna Beach, Californicate – Fourteen anti-terrorist Homeland Security Beach Patrol officers tasered a young female suntanner, wrestled her to the sand, handcuffed her and whisked her away for intensive questioning at an undisclosed location.

"We received a cell phone tip that she was one of those A-Rab suicide bombers with links to al katy," an officer explained.

She was later released without charge.

"Well, she looked like she coulda been one of them A-Rab suicide bombers with links to al katy," the female informant muttered defiantly. "She had that turban on her head and a big bulge under her swimsuit like it was a bomb belt."

Turns out the suspect had just stepped out of a beach cabana shower with a towel wrapped around her wet hair. And the bomb under her swimsuit was twins. She's eight months pregnant.

"Yeah, I saw her big blue eyes and milky white skin," the 911 caller conceded. "But she still coulda been an A-Rab with links to al katy. I ain't prejudiced. I suspect all people of terrorism equally."

As for the suspect? "I'm so glad I was treated roughly. I feel much safer knowing that the authorities will stop at nothing to round up A-Rab Suicide bombers with links to al katy. My twins will grow up in a perfectly secure world."

Said the cell phone woman: "I was just doing my patriotic duty in the fight against international terrorism. Do I still get the tipster reward money anyhow?"

Cincincincinattattattatti, Ohiho – The lawyer for a gang of captured bank robbers announced that the men are actually members of the Patriotic American Anti-Terrorist Minutemen Militia. "They robbed the bank to prevent the money from falling into the hands of A-Rab Suicide bombers with links to al katy," he explained. "They are patriotic Americans assisting in the fight against international terrorism."

An unnamed detective agreed that one of the men was definitely a patriot. "He said he voted for Bush and believes in the war in Iraq, sealing the border with Mexico and giving tax cuts to the rich. But we do have our suspicions about the other three. They kept squealing about something called civil rights while we were torture, I mean, interrogating them. Our Bureau training tells us this means they're lefty pinko commies. Of course, if the next president is a Democrat that could change. They could be heroes in 2008."

Wikorthopedia, Blogosphere – FBI definition of terrorism: the "unlawful use of force or violence, committed by a group(s) of two or more individuals, against persons or property to intimidate or coerce a government, the civilian population, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives."

Libertarian definition of terrorism: the unlawful use of force or violence, committed by government against its own citizens or their property, to intimidate or coerce them in furtherance of establishing a police state at home and an empire worldwide.