That Rascal Republican Representative Ron Paul from the Republic of Texas is at it again. This time he's warning us about a brain-sucking mindcrawler known as the American Community Survey. For those too young or too new to libertarianism to know, Dr. Paul was the Libertarian Party's presidential pick in 1988. Before and since then he's been a libertarian in Republican clothing. He's known as "Dr. No" in Congress because he's a card-carrying Constitutionalist.

The American Community Survey is the FedGov's workaround for the deeply despised Boston Tea Party inspiring long form that some citizens were saddled with during the last Great Invasion of the Census Snoopers.

Only worse.

Rep Ron, who tried to fight off its funding, describes this 24-page monstrosity as a multimillion dollar marketing research rip-off, conducted coercively by Congress on behalf of big business at the expense of you and me.

The questions on this cross-exam are ludicrous, insulting, intrusive and, as Rep Ron puts it so rightly (and much more politely than I), "is none of the government's business."

Which will not, of course, dissuade the Department of Domestic Spying from fining us up to $1,000 for every unanswered query. I don't know how many solicitations of private particulars there are per page, but at 24 pages per pop very few of us can afford to shove this sheaf of grief into the craw of our personal shredders like all the other junk mail that trespasses our portals.

There's no shame in shirking from a skirmish that can't be won. There's also no shame in dishing a little civil disobedience. If they want to treat us like children, we ought to oblige them by acting out.

One query the snotty snoops have, says Rep Ron, is the scatological curiosity they've been obsessed with since the 1930s: how many bathrooms do you have in your house? Should I ever be interrogated by the Un-American Monstrosity Survey, I will answer honestly: five. That's two conventional commodes plus a coffee can in my office, another in the garage and one in the lawnmower shed. Cross my heart.

Another anti-privacy probe inquires how many miles I motor to work. I'll have to affix an attachment for that one. Since I work on contract, moving from company to company, should I report my 2.5 mile job or my 14 mile job or my 21 mile job or my 32 mile job?

How many days were you sick last year? If that means "sick of government," you could honestly answer "all of them." And the Nosy Parker Blue Plate Special of the Survey is: "Do you have trouble getting up stairs?" I could candidly counter this question with "yes" because my house doesn't have an upstairs.

Nor will I check off on the repulsive race and ethnic choice boxes. But I will be scrupulously honest with my answer under the "other" option: I'm Anglo-Scottish-Deutsch-New World Colonial American. Don't blame me if some busybody on the Panel of Peeping Toms thinks "Deutsch" somehow means "Dutch."

But the very best thing we can do as Loyal Civil Disobedient Libertarians if we get one of these questionnaires is to return it to the voyeurcrats with a survey of our own:

The National Government Paper-Pusher's Mandatory Mental Colonoscopy

1. When did you decide to become a scum-sucking bureaucrat?

a. When I discovered my own incompetence

b. The first time I was startled by my own shadow

c. When I outgrew my stroller

d. When Mummy weaned me from her breast

2. As a spineless civil servant, I am most terrified of:

a. Working in a competitive environment

b. Depending on merit for a raise

c. Freedom and responsibility

d. Thinking for myself

3. How much money did you earn last year from:

a. Kickbacks

b. Bribes

c. Misappropriation of funds

d. Outright theft of tax money.

4. Explain in 1000 words or less why you despise your own children and grandchildren so much that you want to help create a BigBrothercratic kind of world for them.

All we need now is some bright, young, energetic, enterprising libertarians out there with a computer and a website and great imaginations to actually create this questionnaire and make it available for printing and mailing off to the nosycrats. Actually, there is a group like that doing great stuff like that and they're located at http://www.bureaucrash.com/. Let's give the privacy pickpockets a dose of their own poisonous potion. Let's create super snoopware for the snoopercrats!

Anyone listening out there?