In the past, I've snubbed establishment media's late December "Year in Review" features by glaring in the opposite direction with articles like "The Future in Review" and "FutureNews." Continuing this grand tradition, let us first consider a contemporary news item, which clearly establishes that the reach of regulatory crats knows no boundaries:

Private spaceflight legislation fizzles out

by Alan Boyle, Science editor, MSNBC, Nov. 17, 2004

An 11th-hour bid to pass legislation allowing paying passengers to take suborbital space trips has fallen short, congressional aides and lawmakers said Wednesday.

"Allowing paying passengers to take suborbital space trips?" This single sentence tells libertarians that travel is merely a "privilege" to be "allowed" at the whim of policycrats. Which means anything can be regulated, like . . .

Mandatory Shoe Policy Designed to "Last"

by Buffy Brane-Washen, dictation taker, Global Government Gazette, Nov. 17, 2040

The Lower Body Appendagewear Subdirectorate of the National Apparel Regulating Committee of the Office of Clothing and Coverings, an enforcement agency of the Bureau of Garb, today issued new rules for donning shoes, boots and all other forms of foot coverings that require securing by tying.

The regulatory agency, which hopes to be elevated to cabinet level status next year, thus joining the other 786 Departments such as State, Defense, Justice and Transgender Sensitivity, was created during the fifth term of El Presidente Geo. Bush the Second. The office was created when legislation appeared in tiny 6pt Bookman Old Style Narrow Condensed font on page 6751 of the unread Emergency Omnibus Funding Bill that authorized, among other projects, the two block long multibillion dollar Neighborhood MagLev Light Rail Bullet Shuttle in downtown Dubuque, Iowa, the city-owned Fourth Iraq War Memorial Overflow Parking Lot adjacent to the city-owned ten story parking garage adjacent to the 750 room city-owned Convention Center Grand Palace Hotel adjacent to the city-owned Convention Center and Exhibit Hall in Corncob, Nebraska, and the National Toothpick Museum in Otter, Oregon.

(Disclaimer: The following salient points, dictated to this reporter by an Appendagewear Agencycrat, appears in this article under threat of cancellation of the reporter's license.)

The left foot must first be placed into the footwear and the approved fastening device (shoestring, shoelace, bootlace, cord, tie, etc.) must be tightened and securely affixed in the standard, federally approved double bow arrangement (See Section 143.2(e), Paragraph 3.7.1, "Illustrated Instructions for Manipulation of Bindings for Human Podiatal Coverings." The Right shoe may then be applied and fastened to the right foot only after the left shoe has been applied to the left foot in the previously mandated manner. Failure to follow the prescribed order of events will result in fine and/or imprisonment.

Enforcement of the new shoe-putting-on regulations is covered under a section known as the "Know Your Shoe Customer Law." Shoe store sales staff will be required to watch potential shoe purchasers for "patterns of unusual behavior." Any attempt to shod right foot piggies before putting on a left shoe must be immediately reported to the footwear detectives, known legally as "shoe gumshoes."

The National Sociopolitical Shoe Institute, a right wingtip think tank that specializes in receiving and spending government grant money, is experimenting with RFID tags embedded in shoe tongues. The special heat sensitive chips are designed to emit a signal when a foot is inserted into a shoe. Since the thermal chips in the left and right shoe tags emit signals in different frequencies (known technically as "speaking in tongues"), nearby swat teams will know if a right shoe has been illegally fitted before a left shoe. They can then bash in the shoe store door, toss teargas canisters about, arrest, handcuff, and scare the bejesus out of everyone to their heartless content.

Some lawmakers are already preparing legislation that would make sockless wearing of shoes illegal. Known as the Congressional Sock Us Caucus, the bill will require that all feet be covered with socks, stockings, anklets, hosiery or similar tootsy swaddling materials before a shoe can be applied.

"It's just so plebian to wear shoes barefoot," Sniffed Sen. Chelsea Clinton, daughter and heir apparent of President-For-Life Madam Hillary Rodham.

"The sock regulations should be shoehorned into the next budget bill," chuckled twenty-two term Congressman Latham "Leather" Shoemacher, thus proving that even a tax-money-grubbing, power-hungry, freedom-hating career partycrat can have a sense of humor.

Capitol Hill cronycrats denied that the American Sock Lobby was behind the movement to swathe America's feet in their client's products. Snapped one Registered Influence Peddler, "Who're you calling a sock puppet?"