Celebrities Don't Do Jail

When Florida Gov Jeb Bush's darling daughter Noelle got busted yet again for pigging out at the governmentally disapproved substances buffet she did not collect $200, did not pass Go, and certainly did not go directly to jail. Noelle went to rehab. This brought howls of indignation from law-and-order pushers who demanded that Ms. Bush be treated to the same perks as any other citizen's daughter: a bright orange jumpsuit and a cellmate named Big Bertha McGursky.

While libertarians agree with the equal treatment concept, they know the howlers have gotten it all wrong. Equal injustice for all is still injustice. Nobody's kid deserves to be jailed for drug use. Or forcibly rehabbed. We all deserve to be left the hell alone.

The only way to catch a break, it seems, is to be a celebrity. Examples from the Wynona Ryder Probation-and-Community-Service Files:

From E! Online: In 1996, Oscar-nominated actor Robert Downey Jr. (1) was collared for speeding with cocaine, crack, heroin and a pistol in his car, (2) was found zonked out on a child's bed in a neighbor's house, and (3) played hooky from his court mandated rehab. The judge dealt him probation with a cheerful "I wish you good luck."

From ABC News: Former All-Star horsehide slugger Darryl Strawberry got the probation he asked for in 2001 after five (count them, five) times violating the terms of his release from a treatment program (repeat, treatment program) following a 1999 conviction for drug possession. Circuit Judge Florence Foster cooed, "I hope my decision helps Mr. Strawberry." The prosecutor's office chimed in with a cheery, "We hope he can succeed this time."

From Canoe: Singer/songwriter/actor Hoyt Axton was wrist-slapped with a three-year deferred sentence and a fine for marijuana possession in 1997. Axton died peacefully two years later, not in prison but at his ranch home in Montana.

And now for some choice decisions from the Citizens R Us files:

From Reuters: In 1999, E.B. Smith legally obtained a prescription for medical marijuana under California's Compassionate Use Act and started a pot garden. Smith suffered from post-traumatic disorder from two tours of duty in Vietnam. A federal judge sentenced him to "the longest possible prison sentence" of 27 months in a federal pen. Good thing it was only his first offense.

From Human Rights and the Drug War: Kay Tanner's door was splintered by DEA thugs. She was handcuffed, grilled for eight hours, and her house was turned into a garbage dump. All because her former tenants were wanted on drug charges. No evidence was found. But she was charged with conspiracy to traffic cocaine after two cons swapped twenty-year sentences for reduced time to testify against her. Ms. Tanner is serving ten years on hearsay evidence.

From the LA Times: In 1999, libertarian and marijuana legalization activist Peter McWilliams was forced to plead guilty to reduced drug charges of ten years in the slammer after a judge refused to allow his medical necessity defense. McWilliams, a wheelchair-bound AIDS patient at the time, grew and smoked pot as the only way to prevent heaving up the toxic stew of medications that was keeping him alive. US District Court Judge George H. King's ruling amounted to a death sentence.

Libertarians are keenly aware of, and still outraged by, the McWilliams case. Peter didn't die in prison. Awaiting appeal, he died at home in exactly the manner anyone, including the aforementioned judge, could have predicted, by gagging on his own vomit. Way to go, judicial genius.

So what's the answer? In our land of the free ride, the pretty, prosperous and powerful get all the breaks while the rest of us exist to keep prison guards off the unemployment rolls. If all else fails to stem the legal hypocrisy, this may be the only answer:

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